TomMart: The Ridge Emergency Preparedness Store
: Every generation has its absurd moments that capture the Kafka-essence of the age. My generation had a few: duck-and-cover commercials and reefer-madness propaganda.
For this generation, the apex of absurdidty may have come this morning when Tom Ridge and his wife appeared on Today to show -- like Mr. and Mrs. Martha Stewart in their fallout shelter -- what Americans should be doing to prepare for terrorist assault.
But they didn't show anything. They just looked ludicrous standing in a kitchen surrounded by stuff. They simply looked like people who had no idea how to pack for a camping trip.
Jamie Gangel: “The reality is that your critics have said that you’re scaring people.”
Secretary Ridge: “Uh-huh.”
Gangel: “And the last couple of weeks, there was a run on duct tape and plastic. And people have said they don’t know what to do or how to prepare. So, what is it you want people to do?”
Secretary Ridge: “Well, we are all launching a readiness campaign. It is a citizen’s preparedness campaign. We’re asking Americans to do a couple of things: A communication plan with your family, assemble a group of essential food stuffs, and items that you’ll need for two or three days. And stay involved, stay informed, and be aware.”
Gangel: “Will this really make a difference? Or is it really being done psychologically to help people?”
Secretary Ridge: “Well, I think it’s both. I think when you give people information as to the means with which they can help themselves, and help their families in the unlikely but possible event at some point a terrorist incident may occur affecting them and their communities, the fact that they have prepared, they put aside some food stuffs, they put aside some batteries, they put aside that duct tape, and that plastic sheeting in the unlikely but possible event that they’ll have to secure an area for four to six hours in case there’s a chemical or biological attack. All we want these people to do, all we want Americans to do — Michele and I have done it — put some of these materials together — pull them right out of your cabinet, by and large.
Gangel: “Well...”
Secretary Ridge: “A lot of these food stuffs are at homes right now. And some of the…”
Gangel: “Mrs. Ridge, you… this is your emergency pack, in effect…”
Mrs. Ridge: “Well…”
Gangel: “You want to take me through sort of…”
Mrs. Ridge: “Sure.”
Gangel: ”[What are] some of the highlights of what you put in here?”
Mrs. Ridge: “Of course, the most important item to have in case of emergency is water — potable water. They say a gallon per person per day. Certainly paper cups, or paper plates, or a manual can opener, dried foods that are really portable — you know peanuts, peanut-butter — first aid kit, as well as pain reliever, batteries — battery operated — alarm clock— flashlight — plastic bags.”
Gangel: “Should every family in America be doing this, or…”
Secretary Ridge: “Would be our recommendation."
Peanuts. Don't forget the peanuts. And the gin that goes with them.
If I were more of a paranoid conspiracy theorist, I'd think that Ridge is doing this to stir up a little fear and paranoia to support a war that still lacks support. But I'm not a paranoid conspiracy theorist, for I don't believe that the government is organized enough to pull off a conspiracy. So instead, I think this is just plain stupid. It makes me long for the days of duck-and-cover and fallout shelters. They were just as impotent against nuclear attack -- or as our leader would say, nucular attack -- as plastic is against biological and chemical attack, but at least it sounded better than this. Now they give us shopping and homemaking tips for terrorist attacks. Now we have vague recommendations about plastic and peanuts. Now we have nothing but preparation for panic.
What a frigging lightweight.
When the attack comes -- and it will -- I told my wife to get the kids in the car and head for the Poconos or Canada and I'll catch up if I can.
First, I'll have to stop at the QuickChek to buy the peanuts.
